This morning as I was getting ready for this very special day, I was listening to songs of the season and one of my favorite songs came on: It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (the classic Andy Williams version). I was humming and singing (as one does) and my mind was doing that thing, you know, that thing where you’re humming and singing and putting on your make-up, but in the background an entire story is playing, scene-by-scene.

Andy Williams was singing, “…. and hearts will be glowing when loved ones are near…. it’s the most wonderful time of the year!!” At first, I was thinking about how true it is, how my heart glows when my loved ones are near. Being here with my children, their babies, and my sweet husband is everything, and I love it so much that I am moved to cry-eyes a hundred times a day. Then I started remembering a time when I ached for that glow.

There was the Christmas (2009) when my whole world had gone dark, including and especially a marriage that had gone from bad to worse and, finally, to forever shattered. Those who know me know that one month after the dramatic and traumatic ending of an 18-year marriage, I was laid off from the job that wasn’t just a job to me. It was part of my heart, as much as a person, and it was gone, too. Two months later, Christmas came – and no, my heart did not glow. There wasn’t even an ember, friends. There was nothing but darkness, an ache for what I did not have but wanted so much, fear for what was to come, and grief over the loss of a vision that I had worked so hard to make real for myself and everyone else.

But here’s the thing. Me and my girls, we got through that darkness. We clasped hands in the dark, and we shuffle-walked in whatever direction felt like forward. They probably didn’t know how dark it felt to me, and I did all that I could to make it lighter for them, but the truth is that it was awful. We just kept walking and holding hands, and eventually, there began to be light.

That time to me is just a memory, and yeah, it can make me cry if I let the scenes play too long with the right/wrong music playing. But it’s all just a collection of pictures now, moments that hurt but shaped who we became – mostly for good, to be honest, but I didn’t know it at the time.

So, if this “most wonderful time of the year” isn’t feeling so wonderful right now, I just want to say – to whomever needs to hear it – there will be light again. Your heart will glow again, I promise. Just keep hold of the hands that matter most. Keep walking. xo

Photo of my beauties in 2009, glowing in the darkness.