There was a time, a little over a decade ago, when I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to make an enormous change. My little grandbaby was brand new (not the baby in the pic), Patrick and I were about to get married, I was entrenched in the most stressful period of my career. I came across a quote, during that time, one that struck me and stuck with me:

Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least. —Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

That was exactly it. My priorities were askew. I was late to the birth of my first grandchild, a moment when my precious daughter needed her momma most, because I had flown to Seattle for the race thinking I would have enough time to get back if she went into labor. I was jetting all over, back and forth, week after week, pouring into a career that I loved, but I was in a constant state of leaving and plagued by a persistent sensation of missing the people and places that mattered most.

I still don’t really know how to do this; it’s been a constant quest to find an impossible balance, one I tend to fool myself into thinking exists. I’m better at it now, it doesn’t eat at me as it once did, but I also think I’ve just become more rational.

I accept that there truly is no way to comfortably balance all of the ways in which my heart is pulled. I’m going to miss moments, but I’m also going to be there for many more. I love and appreciate my husband, our ever-growing family, and my career, and sometimes, one is going to win out over the other. Occasionally (and most painfully), nothing will feel like a win.

Sometimes one gets more attention than the other because the calendar says so. Sometimes one area of life flares up and needs more time than originally thought, and the good intentions you had of pouring into one thing get shifted to the other. And then back and forth it goes, relentlessly, forever and ever. It’s called adulthood, I suppose.

I think the secret is in understanding that what matters most is “being” where you are, wherever that may be. This is not new information. I’ve said it before and known it for a long while, but maybe I needed the reminder.

*Be here now*

Focus on one important thing at a time. Be fully present. And when it’s time to shift, do it gracefully and without regret. Keep trying – not to find balance, but to be aware and intentional about what matters most. And for goodness sakes, appreciate that you even have such a conundrum. What good fortune, to have so much to care about.

Make it count. xo

(Photo from a long time ago, meeting my little tiny baby niece Annabelle!)