Maddox detests this photo. It’s from late 2013 when he was just about three months old, and I love it so much that I have it as my home screen on my phone.

In 2013, I was stuck in Seattle when Tori went into labor with him. She needed me, and I couldn’t get there quick enough because I was AT A RACE.

I, like so many others, have missed a lot because of my chosen career.

It has haunted me, off and on, as a mom, wife, sister, and friend. Birthdays and games and weddings and parties and just, well, a lot of life that has nothing to do with racing.

I’ve felt *guilt.*

I tried to leave racing once, and it was the dumbest thing ever. I stood in my kitchen making an apple pie and listening to the Winternationals on the old live feed with a lump in my throat and burning eyes. The pit in my stomach was the awful realization that I wasn’t where I should be. I looked at Patrick and he looked at me and we both knew.

It’s the corniest thing ever, but it’s true what they say. Sometimes you don’t realize how much something matters to you until it’s gone.

As you probably know… it wasn’t gone forever. I got it back. Me and racing, we’re kinda meant to be.

As the years have gone on since then – and especially recently – I’ve really been hit with the understanding that “balance” is bullshit when it comes to career and family. There is no balance, and knowing that takes the pressure off, in a way. One will always demand more attention than the other, and what makes it all work is the heart that you give to wherever you are at any given moment. (Not that it always works, but mostly.)

So on Saturday – and Sunday – when this now 8-year-old grandson of mine wanted me to shoot hoops instead of working on pre-season stuff, I went outside and I shot some dang hoops. We laughed and we talked and I was psyched to start my week after that. This is like that “be here now” thing I mentioned a few posts back. See? I’m working on it.

It’s a work in progress being a momma and having a career I love like a person, but it’s a good work. And I’m not giving either of them up.

P.S. sorry to Maddox for using this photo – I hope you can forgive me someday